Posted by: gisspar | September 10, 2009

Danger around every corner

Alrighty, fun on the interwebs inevitably led to the Wu-Tang WuName generator. I will now only answer to bastard, BASTARD HarbourMastah. As the bastard, BASTARD HarbourMastah, I feel that it is absolutely imperative (although counter-intuitive perhaps) to delve into the hidden dangers of biscuits. I can personally attest to the potential hazards of the hard cookie (thinking the only danger from a nice buttermilk biscuit is roly-polyism)—I have suffered from abrasions along the ridge right behind my upper teeth. It is hellish drinking orange juice after that.

Are you eating a dangerous biscuit RIGHT NOW? According to The Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation, these are the most dangerous biscuits:

  • Custard Cream 5.64
  • Cookie 4.34
  • Choc Biscuit Bar (eg: Rocky) 4.12
  • Wafer 3.74
  • Rich Tea 3.45
  • Bourbon 3.44
  • Oat Biscuit 3.31
  • Digestive 3.14
  • Ginger Nut 2.99
  • Shortbread 2.90
  • Caramel Shortcake 2.76
  • Nice Biscuit 2.27
  • Iced Biscuits/Party Rings 2.16
  • Chocolate Finger 1.38
  • Jaffa Cakes 1.16

Why so dangerous? Scalding hot tea or coffee, inhaling (or exhaling) crumbs and falling while reaching for a biscuit. 25 million people injured by biscuits. Bastards!

You can be sure that someday soon, all cookies and cookie-type products will come with a warning sticker on the cookie to warn of imminent disaster. Most likely resulting in a sharp rise in papercuts to the mouth and tongue. You have been warned.

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